Just when you though it was safe...
Much like this guy http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=murphy/050321, I think March Madness is the best time of the year. I've covered this before, but I really just can't say enough about how great it is to have 4 days of nonstop basketball. I think shower this morning, I decided it's the best thing about America after democracy. (And even then, I just sort of feel like I have to say democracy.)
Sunday night after the first weekend can be pretty depressing, but this year CBS let us down easy by offering Spring Break Shark Attack, possibly the best 2 hours of television I've experienced. During the 47 promos Thursday and Friday I thought "this movie is ridiculous," but by Saturday afternoon I knew I'd be watching. Staring the Lindsay from the OC (who Ryan would have never let leave had he known how big her jugs would get when threatened by sharks), the ridiculousness goes from start to finish, but here are the highlights:
-the ever-present question: is this for real? the quality was somewhere between like leprechaun 2 or a lesser lifetime movie and saturday night live.
-the fact that the movie tries to go highbrow with an extended metaphor and heavy foreshadowing. Timid lindsay's dad doesn't want her to go on spring break because "those guys are like sharks." meanwhile, the shady guy who sets his eyes on her uses phrases like "i found my prey" and "i'm going in for the kill." (the latter is used after he ruffie's her, without considering that she hadn't been drinking all night and might question how she ended up incohert and blacked out.)
-body parts intermittenly floating onto shore, indicating that there might be a predator, but not indicating this strongly enough to cause concern
-the fact that the sharks are everywhere and have no problem hopping up to devour, say, unsuspecting dock-sitters. but no one notices because "we're on spring break!!"
highlight of the highlights: the climax of the movie begins with the townspeople crowding on the beach to watch the fleet (yes fleet) of sharks arrive for the attack. of course the spring breakers don't notice as they party on their huge float and individual floatation devices in the middle of the ocean. that is until the sharks sink the float and start eating the spring breakers whole, including those on the individual floatation devices, which were apparently pumped up with blood and guts as the water around the victims exploded into blood every time someone was eaten. No one's safe in the ocean, a windsurfer actually sails directly into a shark's mouth! The injured hang out on shore while the boat rental woman swabs their enormous, life-threatening gashes. Lindsay, her love interest, and her brother (who coincidentally studies sharks) meanwhile are sailing out to scatter some blood and distract the sharks, but the sharks are one step ahead and attack the boat, which results in a harpoon (!!) shooting out of nowhere, impaling the love interest and setting up the resolution in which lindsay and her boobs (which expand as the shark threat increases) have to go into the shark-infested waters to reset some signal and save spring break. In the end, she proves to herself and her father that she can swim with the sharks, both human and ichthyological.
Mmmm Spring Break Shark Attack
Sunday night after the first weekend can be pretty depressing, but this year CBS let us down easy by offering Spring Break Shark Attack, possibly the best 2 hours of television I've experienced. During the 47 promos Thursday and Friday I thought "this movie is ridiculous," but by Saturday afternoon I knew I'd be watching. Staring the Lindsay from the OC (who Ryan would have never let leave had he known how big her jugs would get when threatened by sharks), the ridiculousness goes from start to finish, but here are the highlights:
-the ever-present question: is this for real? the quality was somewhere between like leprechaun 2 or a lesser lifetime movie and saturday night live.
-the fact that the movie tries to go highbrow with an extended metaphor and heavy foreshadowing. Timid lindsay's dad doesn't want her to go on spring break because "those guys are like sharks." meanwhile, the shady guy who sets his eyes on her uses phrases like "i found my prey" and "i'm going in for the kill." (the latter is used after he ruffie's her, without considering that she hadn't been drinking all night and might question how she ended up incohert and blacked out.)
-body parts intermittenly floating onto shore, indicating that there might be a predator, but not indicating this strongly enough to cause concern
-the fact that the sharks are everywhere and have no problem hopping up to devour, say, unsuspecting dock-sitters. but no one notices because "we're on spring break!!"
highlight of the highlights: the climax of the movie begins with the townspeople crowding on the beach to watch the fleet (yes fleet) of sharks arrive for the attack. of course the spring breakers don't notice as they party on their huge float and individual floatation devices in the middle of the ocean. that is until the sharks sink the float and start eating the spring breakers whole, including those on the individual floatation devices, which were apparently pumped up with blood and guts as the water around the victims exploded into blood every time someone was eaten. No one's safe in the ocean, a windsurfer actually sails directly into a shark's mouth! The injured hang out on shore while the boat rental woman swabs their enormous, life-threatening gashes. Lindsay, her love interest, and her brother (who coincidentally studies sharks) meanwhile are sailing out to scatter some blood and distract the sharks, but the sharks are one step ahead and attack the boat, which results in a harpoon (!!) shooting out of nowhere, impaling the love interest and setting up the resolution in which lindsay and her boobs (which expand as the shark threat increases) have to go into the shark-infested waters to reset some signal and save spring break. In the end, she proves to herself and her father that she can swim with the sharks, both human and ichthyological.
Mmmm Spring Break Shark Attack
posted by Alexis @ 10:02 AM
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